Foreignness

I am a xenophiliac.
I can't help it, I adore foreigners. And their cultures, ideas, beliefs, accents, etc etc..

I do not /stare/ at foreigners, like Egyptians do. I don't think they're particularly special just because they were born wherever they were born. I mean, can't, can I, with my own multi-nationality? But still, I like them, just the way I like strangers.

Then again, people find it funny when I say one of my hobbies is observing people from a distance. Not interacting, just watching them, analyzing them and whatnot.

Yesterday I spent the whole morning with a group of women, from all over the world. Canadian, American, Singaporean, Finnish, Dutch, Danish, and I'm sure I'm missing out some. Some of them were not even that much older than I am, which is a first. I guess I'm still struggling a bit with actually being an adult, or almost one. Whether or not I should address them by their first names, or add something to that. *tilts head*

I have to say, these women who marry Egyptian men and end up living here by themselves: They are amazing cooks. Or bakers, at any rate. The whole table was creaking underneath the weight of banana cupcakes, chocolate cake, sandwiches, chocolate chip cookies (first time to eat those) and I don't know what else. And foreign coffee just tastes so much better than the weak Nescafe they have here~

I even met someone who loves reading, and she is just as much of a fan of Harry Potter as I am~

Oh, and I went and applied for a new internet connection at another company, with mum.
That was the first step of my plan. Now, if I play it right, everybody is going to be happy, for I plan to get them a new computer, so they're not stuck when anything changes, and we don't all have to share one. Because that's so frustrating for all of us, when you have internet addicts like me sharing 'em.

xxx
The Gypsy.

Isn't it ironic?

phthisic, phthisi·cal adj.
A new word. I rather like it. It means wasting away, for those who don't know.
I think it's rather adequate. For what exactly, I can't say.
Intriguing word nonetheless. I wonder whether the way I pronounce it is anywhere near correct. Hmm.

I'm thinking I should write a guide of "How to lose your friends inn three easy steps".. Or something of the sort, anyways. Because I've become quite good at it. And the best thing about it? You do not even have to behave like a total loser or an obscene bitch, pardon my french.
You do not even have to change anything about your caring and kind self. Piece of pie, eh?

And here is another Oprah episode, this one unfortunately not nearly as positive as the last one I saw: Cheating. Cheating of men on their partners, to be more specific.
88% of the men that cheat admit who they cheat with isn't more beautiful or fit than their own partner. And only 7% of the men that cheat will tell their partners without being asked. Most men have this "will take the secret with me into the grave" idea.
That men become insecure, because they want to "win", when they fail, they feel horrible. Like wanting to do something good for their wife, like making toast, and they end up burning the toast, so they get insecure... (Enough to friggin' cheat?)
That they don't consciously choose to betray their partners. That it starts out as a friendship, and just slips "too far". That they are emotional, just can't express it, won't talk about it, and thus hurt the communication part.
I don't know.
I think I feel very helpless and hopeless about this.
Like, the only way to avoid being cheated on is to avoid relationships.

I don't know much of anything anymore. I just know that becoming an optimist might not be in my blood. That numbing my depression might need some "chemical catalyst" if I seriously want to consider it. I only know that being bored and lonely can drive someone up the wall, and you don't even choose it. And I don't get why it takes so much energy to try and change anything, then it ends up blowing up in your face anyways..

xxx
The Gypsy

Glass: Half full or half empty?

I don't know. I can't even decide anymore if I'm having a good or a bad day.
One minute it is one thing, the next totally the opposite.
At first I believe change is possible, getting away is possible, and I'm looking up ticket prices and visas and stuff. Ten minutes later I feel like I'm stuck here forever. To change my mind after another ten minutes.
And my mood swings along just as easily, although that's quite annoying when I get to the easily angered, sad, depressed, or helpless feelings. It's good that I'm not feeling them all the time, though.

Arguments: Seem to be having a lot of those the last couple of days. Funny thing is, I know it's not me who starts fighting. I mean, I would admit so if I really did, but I don't. Normally sometimes I do, but I've been pretty passive and serene lately. Supposedly that's good, although it makes me not good at fighting back immediately? And then I boil in anger for hours afterwards, because I was not able to vent properly straight away. I've already always had that problem. Now it's just gotten worse.

Books: Got a lot to read of those, and they need to be over and done with quickly, cause there's a whole list still "pending", basically. But I can't get myself to focus. No time? I wish I could say I was doing something else productive then, but I'm not. Besides concentrating on healing.
I'm either sleeping, sick, or the tv is on. And no matter where I am in the house, I hear that nasty thing everywhere, so that I can't focus on what I'm reading. Even reading aloud isn't an option, it makes me read so much slower..

All sounds a bit negative, but I'm not being pessimistic or whiny, just factual.
It'll turn out okies, I'm sure.

xxx
The Gypsy

Visitors

We've had lots of those~
Specifically, the same visitor over and over.
A lot. Too much. *tilts head* Go away D<

And we have a cat as a visitor, since today. Looking for a home for her, and in the meantime she gets to sleep here, cause street life is just crappy. Especially for a cat in Egypt.
Imagine having to share your Rubbish Bin with ten other cats? That seems like a lot of unnecessary fight, to me. I've seen it happen before.
She has been scared a lot, the whole afternoon. Finally she's out of her hiding place, only to climb on every piece of furniture we own. And she mews.. A lot.
I think it's stupid to decide to take an animal just to throw it out again. Like those that adopt then get bored with the responsibility and put kids up for adoption again. It's just ... not done. Get a grip, people. Seriously.

xxx
The Gypsy

*In Love*

A couple of days ago, by accident, I watched part of Oprah. I don't watch Oprah, at least not on a regular basis, and now I hadn't watched it for over half a year. Thing is, this time they were talking about Happiness. And becoming happy, and staying it. Mentioning things like The Secret, and more of such philosophies. Apparently there are such things as "Martyr ethic" which basically means they are afraid of saying they're happy, because that will have consequences, in the end. You're not happy for free, so to speak. So they are "Alright, but" complaining, because that way things just don't go that wrong, and even so, then it's obviously cause fate hates you, nay? Both optimists and pessimists are right, it's just the way they view it. A cup is indeed half empty when it is half full, it's just.. Which do you rather see?

What I found interesting what that that guy, being a psychologist, got to make his own disease, like so many shrinks do: Destination addiction. It sounded familiar to what we had been saying in Poetry class a long time ago, and keep repeating. You have a destination, your goal, your reason, the thing that'll make you happy. But by the time you reach it, you'll want something else just as badly. Desire for desire's sake, almost?
Basically it was a "Let go of your past, and don't obsess about your future but seize the day" kind of thing, and sometimes, to me, that just sounds impossible. Some things you can't forget, no matter how much you'd want, and sometimes you're waiting for a specific thing to happen so you can move on. Although, generally, yeah, I suppose it works. According to the shrink, all people of 30 years young already have LOTS of reasons to be depressed, no matter what happened. It's just a matter of choice whether you are or not?

Don't know why I felt like I just needed to type that. Maybe because I'm trying to become more positive by the day, and it's a hell of a chore?

I did fun stuff, though. Jazz came to Alex, with her hubby and her adorable lil' son.
Which brings me to the title. I'm in love.
He's nineteen. (Nineteen months, that is. :3) Adooooooorable puppy eyes, and the most precious smile I've seen in a long while And the best part? He likes me too ^^ Likes me so much, actually, he's okay with me carrying him, and won't cling to his parents, like most kids do, even though I'm not /that/ much of a familiar face. I'm not much of a "Oh-I-Just-LOVE-kids" type of person, either, which makes it all the more special. Adam is one of a kind ^^ And one thing I am sure of: Had Jazz come to live in Alexandria, I would've been one good babysitter for that kiddo. More importantly: I'd be paid to have fun. Squee. xD

Me and Jazz had fun, too. Gave her and Amgad their painting. They liked it. ^^ That was great, was a weight lifted off my chest. Seriously. I had painted that painting (It's on my deviantart now) and finished it more than a month ago. And the longer it stood there, the more I wanted to add to it or take stuff off. xD Luckily I didn't, and they were positive 'bout it. So yay. And we went for walks. One along the beach with Jazz, one actually on the sand, the four of us. Adam, like his dad, me and sis when we three were young, hates the sand xD At least, mum told me I and sis were like that. Sand felt icky, I suppose? Dirty and twitchy? He managed to pull both himself and his mum down onto a coming wave. xD Even when my car got wheel clamped, a few lovely smiles of Adam cheered me up. That, and Amgad being a sport, helping me out like he did. Thanks again! Egypt, for once, did not totally manage to ruin my mood. Nor did my angry mother, when I arrived five hours after I said I would? Oh boy xD

I know.
Funny how I start the entry talking about positivism, then end up uploading pictures like these. xD
Just showing how brilliant Egyptian drivers are.
They drive like maniacs, really.
The back of the taxi it had bumped into looked pretty much the same. Aka it had no trunk anymore~




Jazz preferred tunnels to crossing the road. Said they were cosy and safer. But I guess I'd rather have it a bit riskier, then? xD
Not fond of lifts and tunnels. Too many things can go wrong. But then I'm thinking pessimistically again, huh? Although saying nothing can happen when crossing the road right after showing how Egyptians are maniac drivers is pretty damn positive! xD



All that said: I'm sick as a dog.
Fever, throwing up, and my organs are all aching on the inside.
Sneezing, coughing, and any movement makes me yelp out in pain.
I am glad I did not infect the three of them with anything, that would've been awful.

Gotto go, took me long enough to type this up. lol
xxx
The Gypsy.

Alexandria

"Every Oriental, even if he is an idiot, knows instinctively what a woman should and should not do, and she should not do anything except wait on him, so he does not have to bother about asking asking her advice. He knows that Western women are too free and that freedom for women is bad for men -- very bad indeed. The only career a woman should have is looking after her husband, and sometimes, if she's lucky, he may call in up to three more women to help her do this, so that she won't get tired."
- Jacqueline Carol

As is obvious, I'm currently reading Cocktails and Camels, and it's hilarious. Jacqueline is not only very precise about living in Egypt, or more specifically, living in Alexandria, but she is sarcastic and witty about so many things it's a great read for someone like me.
I didn't think I'd enjoy reading for college this much, but I changed my mind.

On a totally different note: Weather in Alexandria is being absolutely crazy. My poor friends's teeth were chattering a few days ago, and it rained a LOT. I liked the cold, just not the wind, very much. And today it's like midsummer, hot and stuffy. El khamseen (sandstorms) are coming this way, I'm guessing. And soon, too.

I visited another Book Fair, this one in Alexandria instead of Cairo. Actually it's the same yearly international one, they moved from Cairo to here two weeks ago. Tomorrow will be the last day again. And, like always around books, I caved in. I had to get a whole list for college, most of which are contemporary reads, so they should be alright, and snuck in a book or two for myself, too. I also got a microphone/ear-plug speaker, it looks like those handsfree bluetooth thingers, only it's not handsfree. :3
I have this way of digging myself into debt, huh? I don't think I should be spending much more, cause this is going to be what kills me, if nothing else.

xxx
The Gypsy.

I can't believe...

"Those who are dead,
are not dead,
they're just living in my head..."

... It's already March, again.
Seems like time is slipping between my fingers like sand, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Even worse: My hope for a better year has till now been one great disappointment.
Nothing is changing, nothing within the near future anyways. I end up changing plans because of circumstances beyond my reach, and it stinks...
Some things are even getting worse, although I have to admit some things are stagnate right now.

I'm not spending nearly enough time with my friends, I don't talk about anything anymore.. Anything that matters, that is. It seems like everybody around me is talking about things I couldn't care less about.
I'm not doing anything valuable in my "Alone" time either, peculiarly. One would think that being lonely might make you pick up a book or a painting brush or even a pencil to draw or write, in my case. But no. And silly thing is, I don't know why. I merely don't feel like doing any of that...

One thing, though. I'm not losing hope. I'm planning to beat this pessimism.
I have a new resolution, too: All that self-doubt I have is good for nothing, and all the self-loathing and bashing is only hurting me. I obviously can't just decide to love myself, just like that, but what I can do is use what I'm saying against myself as constructive criticism to build upon. Instead of harping on flaws, I might as well try and change whatever I'm irked with, nay?
Or I can try, in any case.

That's it for now,
xxx
The Gypsy.