After several long/short talks,
A lot of reflection,
A lot of nightmares,
A lot of dreams,
A lot of loneliness and boredom in weeks where the house wasn't swamped with people,
I've figured out I need to do something.
Or rather. A lot of little somethings.
I need goals.
Here's the idea:
I want to like myself. More than I do now.
I want to have self-confidence.
I want an ego I can boast of (;D /punintended) but in a way that I won't be obnoxious.
I want to let negative commentary go, to let it slip off my back like water of a duck's, and only be guided by the positive and the constructive to improve.
I have to be able to live like a hermit.
Not because I want to, or aspire to.
But because that way I'm not crushed when a friend calls to cancel a plan.
When anything pops up. Comes in the way.
When things happen I myself have no say in or control over.
I want to pick up a hobby or ten.
Sports. (-Ice- Skating? Swimming? Maybe something that won't cost me so much?)
Music. (Piano. Guitar. Let's just start with those two)
Art. (Drawing. Painting. Maybe learn something new)
Literature. (Reading. And WRITING. I need to finish my book some day, damnit.)
Dance. (Or is that a sport?)
There's plenty I love.
I just need to /do/ it.
I want to spend more time socializing to train myself.
Not because I need to know that I can live like a hermit means I have to do that when there's no reason to.
And I don't mean just with close friends, either.
I just want to be able to be properly good at it.
I need to be able to recognize that my face is in a constant dark/frowning position unless I concentrate on it not to be. Unfocused me looks grumpy, apparently.
Instead, it should just be smiling. Because it can.
I need to do it all healthily.
No point in doing all that and falling sick every two weeks.
There's no point in falling sick at all.
My body should learn to behave.
And restrict itself to maybe one cold a year.
I want to learn. Maybe pick up a few classes.
I've wanted to learn Spanish for a long time, I only know a handful of words.
Now is my chance. That's what I'm going to do.
I want to improve my German. So that I not only understand everything that is being said, but so that I can actually communicate. Express myself. Fluently. Without lapsing back to English or Dutch. That's what I'm going to work on.
I want no-good reasons to celebrate.
Not just on birthdays, or weddings, but just randomly.
To twirl around happily for no reason.
Like Luna Lovegood. -There it is. My obsessive loving reference. You should've seen that coming :)-
I want to take my wants seriously.
It's why I'm not labeling them as resolutions.
I might have mentioned this before (go check last year, I dare yah) but resolutions have a negative ring to them. They are set, then worked on fiercely for about 6 weeks, then totally dropped. Forgotten about for a year, until people try again.
And the standard resolutions are quitting smoking and losing weight anyways. I need neither.
I want to realistically say that my resolutions probably won't last until the end of February.
But my "wants" will. Because I'll still want it.
And the only thing I have to do is to concentrate on achieving them.
And this I have from a friend: By taking babysteps, why shouldn't I be able to achieve them?
Achieve all I want.
I don't need to rush anything. I don't need to do a 150 kms per hour on a highway to end up crashing into someone else, or a tree.
I don't need deadlines. I don't need to be anywhere specific at the end of 2011.
I just need to start. Get the engine running. Wander off. And see where I'll be at in roughly 360 days.
And I know I started almost every paragraph with an "I".
But for once, I need to focus on my own needs. Be a bit more selfish.
I'll still be there for friends and family alike, 24/7.
But I need to give myself a break when I'm not needed.
Otherwise, there are several plans, which, if I type them out, they might not happen.
So I'm carefully paranoid about them.
They've got to do with visits, though~
Here's to a brilliant 2011. I'm sure it will be. :)